Wow, look at me and my "admitting" streak- I just confessed that I'm a total baby. Go me.
The thing is, I think I am a good person. A nice one, even. Up until recently I have believed that, despite my flaws and the mistakes I have made, I am not even remotely close to being a "bad" person. I think I am fun and caring and a good friend. Anymore, the only time my inner bitch comes out to play is if you're hurting or taking advantage of someone I care about, abusing/neglecting animals or cutting me off in traffic. I don't wake up in the morning thinking of who I can hurt or insult. I don't plot ways to rain on anyone's parade or make their life miserable.
So tell me why is it that so many people seem to dislike me? And more importantly, why do I care? Why do I remotely care about a backstabbing friend, or that someone's ex (or someone's new girlfriend) doesn't like me, or that some people don't think Tom and I should be engaged? Why do I let these things seep into my brain for me to process and analyze over and over?
I'm definitely an analyzer by nature. I like to know why people feel how they feel, why they do what they do, what their actions mean, etc. This can be a good thing at times...but it can also feel like a handicap. There's no medicine to stop it, no switch I can flip. I WANT to not care. I really do.
|Here's a random picture of Joe Boxer dressed as Princess Leia to break up the seriousness of this post.|
|Here's Joe Boxer dressed as a squirrel. Mwahaha.|
I WANT to stop wanting to get along with EVERYONE.
|Here's "Oh Boy It's the Holidays!" Joe Boxer.|
I WANT to stop letting the judgment and opinions of others, even those who mean well and love me, stop making me feel like I am not a good person and that I should fall into line the way they think I ought to.
The problem is I simply don't know how. I guess the reason I am writing about it is because it all seems to be happening in one burst- I keep finding that people I thought were my friends or least liked me really don't. And it makes me mad at myself, like, "How freaking naive can you be, Amanda?" I want to shake myself then possibly slap my own face (I guess it's possible to slap one's own face but I don't think I can grab myself by the shoulders and shake, unfortunately). It should be simple to talk myself through it: I thought so and so liked me, turns out they don't. Oh well. Right?
I just wanted to vent a little. I'm tired of carrying all this weight on my shoulders- weight of others who have decided that I suck. I want to lose it, I really do. I really just don't know how.
I think I liked myself better when I was a bitch.
And no, Joe Boxer doesn't do modeling as a career nor does he sign autographs. Sorry.