I haven't written in a bit, mostly because I don't have much to say and my creativity has been pretty low lately. Wait, that's not entirely true. I did, on a whim, buy a bunch of canvases, acrylic paint and paintbrushes and start painting shitty pictures for the hell of it. I'm not artistic at ALL but I do enjoy sitting down and mixing colors and smearing them all over the canvas. So that's something, I suppose.
Anyway, I'm going to write now because I'm bored on my lunch.
I wanted to write today to share that I'm SO ready to move on. I'm done begging my husband to reconsider his stance, to think about our marriage vows and work on things. I'm so done with it. Why would I want to be with someone who looks at my mental issues and the symptoms of them and decides he wants to bail? Why would I want to be with someone whose favorite past time is sitting at the bar for hours on end and not coming home to his wife? That's not the life I want to lead. It's never been the life I wanted to lead. I don't know how things got so fucked up along the way. Do I have my faults and have I made mistakes? Absolutely. The difference is I own mine. He just pushes blame and I'm guessing he's always going to be that way. I don't want that for myself. The person he was when I met him is gone- and I'm not sure that person was ever even real. I fell for lies and pretty promises. It's almost embarrassing.
So, starting over. I'm excited to find a new place to live. I can't wait to figure out where that place will be and to decorate it the way I want without having to ask permission to hang a certain picture or buy a comforter I like for my bed. I'm anxious to live on my own and not feel the constant, heavy pressure of his presence. The pressure of being ignored- sleeping in a separate room, being looked through not looked at, feeling completely alone even though he's there. It's also refreshing to be removed from a mother in law who couldn't stand me and criticized everything I did. I'm over the suffocating feeling this situation has brought me, completely over it.
I had to remove a lot of people from my life as a result of all this and I'm anticipating being forced to remove more, although if you're reading this right now I clearly want you to stay. I've made the cuts I needed to make but I will make more if I get attacked or accused again.
I can't explain what it's like to know I won't have to feel inadequate and not good enough in my own skin anymore. It's very freeing. It's not going to happen overnight. When it's been pounded in my head for over a year that I'm flawed, crazy, not good enough, a self-medicating asshole, not attractive enough to kiss or touch...it takes awhile to get that self-esteem back. I know it's there, though. I'm even starting to muddle through some dating...although I honestly wish there was a book on that shit because, having spent most of my adult life married, I'm definitely not very good at it. I suppose it'll make for good blog entries down the road. You'd think I would have given up on finding someone for me, but hopeless romantic Amanda isn't dead. She's just more cautious (but awkward as ever, ha).
So, not a terribly interesting post but an update all the same. I'm ready for whatever gets thrown at me and on 2/6 when my divorce is final, I'm going to do something fun. Not sure what that will be yet, but I'll figure it out.
I'm not going to sulk or be depressed.
I'm going to consider it Independence Day for me. I'd suggest shooting off fireworks with friends but A) I don't know where to get fireworks this time of year and B) knowing my friends (and myself), there's about 107 ways things could end badly. Maybe some sparklers...