Wednesday, June 28, 2017

I Do What I Want

The title of this blog should speak for itself but I'm still going to elaborate and share my thoughts- because we all know how much I love sharing my views on various topics. Heh.

I'm sure it's not lost on many people that just recently I was lamenting about not being able to find anyone I'm compatible with and planning my future as a cat lady and then suddenly I'm sharing on Facebook that I'm in a relationship. All I really know to say is this: Get over it.

Get over it because I'm happy where I am right now.

Get over it because, aside from a select few, I don't really care what you think of how I live my life.

Get over it and worry about your own life and pursuit of happiness.

I have been by myself a lot longer than anyone realizes. I was in a marriage where I felt completely alone for roughly a year leading up to its demise. I felt lonely, sad, unattractive, unloved, crazy, unwanted and insecure in my own skin. I was judged without so much as a trial by people who I believed cared about me. I was made to feel that my mental illness wasn't real, and that I was just a lazy nutjob who did stupid things for the hell of it. I was told my borderline personality disorder was not valid and that I was not lovable because of my actions. My husband left me and I was given absolutely no say in the matter. I used to worry that people were laughing behind my back because of it but now I honestly don't care if they are. I don't care if someone rolled their eyes and cracked a joke about yet another failed marriage for Amanda. How many last names has she had? Does she even remember her maiden name? Laugh it up, I don't mind. In fact, I enjoy amusing people.

I went on dates and found someone great. That's the point of those dating sites, right? That's the point of the search (unless you're a fuck boy, of course). Everyone is looking for their someone and I spent my time alone and was selective about who I let get close to me. No one gets to look at the time frame for that and tell me it isn't a real thing. I mean...you can SAY it if you'd like but I will give zero fucks. I literally have zero fucks to give about your opinion on my love life. It has sucked badly for most of my adult life and I'll do what I need to do to try and change that.

Never again will I date someone who won't listen to me about my mental illness. I won't "hide my crazy" or pretend it's not there. I'm not ashamed of it but it definitely frustrates me at times. I see all my friends happy with their beautiful families and can't help but wonder if things would be different for me if I wasn't "sick." But I AM sick and I'm always going to struggle to some extent. This isn't curable and it's not going to go away. I have been in therapy for months working on myself. I have been taking my medicine as I am supposed to. I have tried to cut back on my drinking although at times I still slip up. I can't be someone I'm not and I have laid all of that crazy out for someone who I felt a connection with and he didn't run. In fact, he almost immediately started reading up on borderline personality disorder so that he'd know what to expect. And he's never once made me feel like it's my fault or that I'm damaged. He even drove me to a therapy appointment. This is what I want for my life. I want someone like that, someone kind and understanding who will have my back when things get tough- and things will get tough. Life is tough, there's no avoiding that.

Oh, and he likes my dogs. That would've been a dealbreaker.

So, in closing, I'd like to invite anyone who has a problem with how I'm choosing to operate to block me, distance yourself, unfollow me- do whatever you need to do to feel better. No one has come out and said anything but nice comments so far but I'm not naive enough to think that no one rolled their eyes. I guess if you truly love me and care about me, you'll be supportive. It's OK to want the best for me and not want me to get hurt but it isn't OK to pretend my boyfriend doesn't exist or avoid talking to me. I'm paying attention to your behavior, trust me. I'm just not going to let it steal my sunshine.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Just some healthy venting...

I felt like I needed to write today. I haven't done it in several months and it's for a reason I'm not proud of: I didn't want any of the "new" people in my life- new friends, guys from dating sites who are on my social media and people who might report back to my ex-husband so he could shake his head and say that phrase I know all too well- the one that makes my entire being cringe when it comes from his mouth- "She's the same Amanda. She'll never change" to see it and know my not so secret secrets. But I've had a tough week and I've been feeling a little down and if I've learned anything since my journey to "getting better" it's that allowing myself to sink down and lay in my own guilt never takes me anywhere but straight down the road to my own personal hell. So I'm not going to do that.

I'm feeling frustrated lately because I'm wondering when these feelings of hurt, abandonment and regret are going to let my heart rest. I'm tired of wishing my ex would change his mind and see that I'm a good person. I'm tired of losing friends, tired of family distancing from me, tired of people not understanding why I feel the way I do, and why I act the way I do.

But mostly I'm tired of carrying the constant burden of this thought: I am not good enough as I am. The person I am is not good enough. She is flawed, she is broken. She drinks too much, she gets too sad, she can't keep a relationship because no one wants to deal with all the different fibers woven into her personality. Obviously, I have a whole army of people behind me who don't feel that way and their support is what carries me through (that and my animals, without them I don't know if I'd be here) but when the one person in life who isn't supposed to walk out on you turns his back, and others you cared about and thought were friends do the same, it's really hard to shake off the ugly feelings. They stick to me like glue regardless of what I do. Sometimes my head is an Amanda friendly place and doesn't beat me up so much, but other times all I can do is sit and think about every single thing I've EVER done wrong, how stupid I am, what a train wreck I am, how no one thinks I have a good heart, that I don't deserve the happiness I've been chasing my whole life.

I've always felt different and at times out of control of my own reaction and emotion to things, even as a kid. I knew there was something different about me, something that was "wrong." It took till my mid 20s to be diagnosed with major depression and even then, things still weren't right. I was still "off." It took having the love of my life (or so I thought, because would the love of my life really do this?) walk out on me, claiming he was broken and blaming me for literally every single thing he had done wrong and that had gone wrong with us, for me to have the ultimate breakdown and get my second diagnosis: borderline personality disorder. I can't decide which I hate more, the BPD or the depression. The depression made my husband think I was lazy for laying in bed and not being able to move, for sometimes not having the strength to do ANYTHING, let alone clean the house. But the BPD made him and others think I was crazy, a bad person, dramatic, a heavy drinker, rude, disloyal. The way it manifested itself led people to unfriend me on social media, tell my husband he should leave me, stop inviting me to their homes. And it's almost more than I can bear. It doesn't matter that I'm the woman who stoops down to save worms from the pavement after it rains. The one who helps animals anytime she can. Who sends cards to her friends randomly, or leaves them surprises or sends them nice texts. Who fiercely loves her family and would protect them with her life. None of those good things about me matters because of something I literally have no total control over. It doesn't matter how many times I go to the hospital, how much therapy I do (100+ hours and counting since February...but I don't want to get well or anything, according to some) or what medicine I take. This is ALWAYS going to be a monkey on my back, a relationship destroyer, something that makes me a freak- someone that old circles I used to be in laugh about as they tell my ex how much better off he is. And I'm just tired of it. I try to swallow these feelings and hang onto the positive but I'm not as strong as I'd like to believe I am and sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and have a good cry.

But I take my medicine every day. I take vitamins. I try to do things that make me happy- gardening, playing with my dogs, seeing my nieces, spending time with my friends and family, arguing with strangers on the internet. I try to look in the mirror each morning and like my reflection. I'm getting better at it but it's still a struggle at times and I really think that the place I am now, living alone with my animals, is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Because if he can't love this hot mess, who will?

If you're reading this and can relate, first of all I'm sorry. Second- I'm here for you. I may not always be up for lengthy conversations and I HATE talking on the phone with a passion but I'm a great texter and encourager and I will do anything I can to make sure you don't slip down where I've been. I've seen hell and I feel sick at the thought of another human being knowing how it feels. And if you're taking your medicine and/or doing whatever you need to do to be OK, I'm proud of you. You can do this.

And if you're rolling your eyes and saying I'm looking for pity or "calling people out" for attention, then you really don't know me at all and maybe you shouldn't be on my blog.