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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

I Do What I Want

The title of this blog should speak for itself but I'm still going to elaborate and share my thoughts- because we all know how much I love sharing my views on various topics. Heh.

I'm sure it's not lost on many people that just recently I was lamenting about not being able to find anyone I'm compatible with and planning my future as a cat lady and then suddenly I'm sharing on Facebook that I'm in a relationship. All I really know to say is this: Get over it.

Get over it because I'm happy where I am right now.

Get over it because, aside from a select few, I don't really care what you think of how I live my life.

Get over it and worry about your own life and pursuit of happiness.

I have been by myself a lot longer than anyone realizes. I was in a marriage where I felt completely alone for roughly a year leading up to its demise. I felt lonely, sad, unattractive, unloved, crazy, unwanted and insecure in my own skin. I was judged without so much as a trial by people who I believed cared about me. I was made to feel that my mental illness wasn't real, and that I was just a lazy nutjob who did stupid things for the hell of it. I was told my borderline personality disorder was not valid and that I was not lovable because of my actions. My husband left me and I was given absolutely no say in the matter. I used to worry that people were laughing behind my back because of it but now I honestly don't care if they are. I don't care if someone rolled their eyes and cracked a joke about yet another failed marriage for Amanda. How many last names has she had? Does she even remember her maiden name? Laugh it up, I don't mind. In fact, I enjoy amusing people.

I went on dates and found someone great. That's the point of those dating sites, right? That's the point of the search (unless you're a fuck boy, of course). Everyone is looking for their someone and I spent my time alone and was selective about who I let get close to me. No one gets to look at the time frame for that and tell me it isn't a real thing. I mean...you can SAY it if you'd like but I will give zero fucks. I literally have zero fucks to give about your opinion on my love life. It has sucked badly for most of my adult life and I'll do what I need to do to try and change that.

Never again will I date someone who won't listen to me about my mental illness. I won't "hide my crazy" or pretend it's not there. I'm not ashamed of it but it definitely frustrates me at times. I see all my friends happy with their beautiful families and can't help but wonder if things would be different for me if I wasn't "sick." But I AM sick and I'm always going to struggle to some extent. This isn't curable and it's not going to go away. I have been in therapy for months working on myself. I have been taking my medicine as I am supposed to. I have tried to cut back on my drinking although at times I still slip up. I can't be someone I'm not and I have laid all of that crazy out for someone who I felt a connection with and he didn't run. In fact, he almost immediately started reading up on borderline personality disorder so that he'd know what to expect. And he's never once made me feel like it's my fault or that I'm damaged. He even drove me to a therapy appointment. This is what I want for my life. I want someone like that, someone kind and understanding who will have my back when things get tough- and things will get tough. Life is tough, there's no avoiding that.

Oh, and he likes my dogs. That would've been a dealbreaker.

So, in closing, I'd like to invite anyone who has a problem with how I'm choosing to operate to block me, distance yourself, unfollow me- do whatever you need to do to feel better. No one has come out and said anything but nice comments so far but I'm not naive enough to think that no one rolled their eyes. I guess if you truly love me and care about me, you'll be supportive. It's OK to want the best for me and not want me to get hurt but it isn't OK to pretend my boyfriend doesn't exist or avoid talking to me. I'm paying attention to your behavior, trust me. I'm just not going to let it steal my sunshine.

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